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楼主: 海森高

笑话连天

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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-10 23:03:50 | 显示全部楼层

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老熊要写日记,发现日记本已经用完了,他就想出去再买一本回来写,但是已经晚上十二点了,他骑著脚踏车在漆黑的街上找,找了好久终於找到一家书店还没打烊,他就进去了,看到一本日记本他很喜欢,於是问老板多少钱:
  
  
  
    老板用很低沉声音说:“这是进口的,定价要70元。”
  
  
  
    老熊说:“那麼贵喔,可是我只有带50元出来。”
  
  
  
    老板说:“没关系,就算你50元好了。”
  
  
  
    老熊很高兴的说:“谢谢老板。”
  
  
  
    老板又用很低沉阴森的声音说:“你买回去的时候,千万不要翻开最後一页,不然会发生很恐怖的事情,到时不要怪我没提醒你啊!”
  
  
  
    老熊说:“嗯,我知道了。”
  
  
  
    老熊把日记本买回家,他把包装拆掉,放在房间里窗户前的桌子上,他想先洗个澡再出来写日记..洗完澡之後,老熊发现书桌前的窗户竟然被打开了,风把日记本一页一页的吹开......快吹到最後一页时,老熊上前去阻止,但已经来不及了,最後一页还是被吹开了。恐怖的事发生了......只见老熊尖叫了一声,因为他看到最後一页写著:
  
  
  
    (请往下拉)
  
  
  
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    .................再拉... .
  
  
  
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    继续拉....
  
  
  
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    快了,再拉一点...
  
  
  
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    可以了,最後还要拉一点点...
  
  
  
    .
  
  
  
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    最後一页写著-------定价:3元
  
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发表于 2013-7-11 00:30:24 | 显示全部楼层
海森高 发表于 2013-7-10 23:03
老熊要写日记,发现日记本已经用完了,他就想出去再买一本回来写,但是已经晚上十二点了,他骑著脚踏车在漆黑的 ...

废话连篇,浪费我的拉力。

姑娘傍晚上街,看见一个男人张开双臂向她走过来。看着他即将靠近之时,姑娘急中生计,扬起右脚猛踢过去,“砰,沙拉沙拉”………………………………………………………………
男子垂下了双手,懊然叹道:“都第五块了,我这是得罪谁了呀!”
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-11 09:17:37 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 海森高 于 2013-7-11 09:33 编辑

   一天,小羽和哥哥去赶公交车,好不容易等来一辆,可车上的人太多了,前门根本就挤不上。他们只好在前门刷了卡,从后门上车,可车上的人实在太多,后门也挤不上。
于是,司机大哥就和他俩商量:我先发动车,慢点开,你们跟在车后面跑跑。小羽和哥哥这个纳闷啊:这算什么办法啊?可也没有办法,只有跟在车屁股后面跑。眼看车开出大概有十来米,忽然一个急刹车,车上的乘客把持不住身体,全部倒向车的前面去了,后门一下子腾出好大一块地方。这时,司机大哥得意地招呼他们俩:快上,快上……
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发表于 2013-7-11 13:33:12 | 显示全部楼层
海森高 发表于 2013-7-11 09:17
一天,小羽和哥哥去赶公交车,好不容易等来一辆,可车上的人太多了,前门根本就挤不上。他们只好在前门 ...

怎么都是小羽?你是小羽还是他哥?咋这么了解?

在家里,
小羽他嫂子对小羽他哥说:我要练嗓子了。你要不出去,要不就进卧室去,别说我吵着你了。
小羽他哥低着头说:你就到室外去练吧!要不邻居又得报警说我家暴打你了。

小羽他嫂子说:别寒碜我好么?!
小羽他哥抬头望了一下,忙说:还有,你得把妆卸了,要不警察来了,我可百口难辩呀。都第三回了!
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-11 20:40:49 | 显示全部楼层
GUppies 发表于 2013-7-11 13:33
怎么都是小羽?你是小羽还是他哥?咋这么了解?

在家里,

小羽?

小羽他哥?

司机?

警察?
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-11 20:42:49 | 显示全部楼层

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldnt do it while he waited, so he said he didnt live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I cant carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why dont you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. Well be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! Im carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and Ill hold the chickens."
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-14 20:54:51 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 海森高 于 2013-7-15 19:42 编辑


(Must be read with Italian accent )
one day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-17 07:03:08 | 显示全部楼层

While traveling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants. The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied him. Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff. The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, Well, hes big and gray and has a tail on both ends. The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing. The backwoodsman replied, Hes standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail. The Sheriff then asked whats he doing with the cornstalks? The backwoodsman said, Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldnt believe me!
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-17 12:43:02 | 显示全部楼层
十年来,被毁掉的十一个中文词:


1.小姐:从尊贵到低谷;
2.美女:从惊艳到性别;
3.老板:从稀有到遍地;
4.鸡: 从禽类到人类;
5.同志:从亲切到敏感;
6.校长:从榜样到禽兽;
7.表哥:从亲戚到贪官;
8.干爹:从长辈到老公;
9.奶粉:从食品到毒品;
10.鞭炮:从炸鬼到炸桥;
11.房事:从个人隐私到大众痛苦。

真理1:我们为了活命吃东西,为了保命又不敢吃东西;
真理2:交话费的时候才发现自已的废话那么值钱;
真理3:世界上最遥远的距离,就是面对面坐着却在玩各自的手机;
真理4:婚姻是爱情的坟墓,更可悲的是,小三还要来盗墓!
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 楼主| 发表于 2013-7-19 07:17:02 | 显示全部楼层

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?"

The  man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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